Lately my yoga class has left me drained--the opposite of how I expect it to make me feel, how it use to be. The idea is that the more people in the class more energy will be created thus you are supposed to get more out of a class than practicing on your own. But the past several weeks that has not happened at all. I have not left with that sense of satisfaction I use to get from it. Then last week I was corned by my teacher. He said, youapos;ve been coming for a long while, what makes you keep coming back? I enjoy it, I told him. He said, what do you get out of it? Am I wrong to think he has crossed some boundary here? Sure, heapos;s the teacher, but is it any of his business what I get out of his class? That is something you share with the teacher and class when you feel compelled. Not something you should be cornered into answering. It keeps me focused, keeps things clear, I told him. You donapos;t have to make things up, he said. What the fuck. Why did he think I was making it up? Then he asked, when you stopped coming to class over the summer, could you tell a difference? I could have lied, but I didnapos;t. No, I told him. I wonapos;t take that as an insult, he said. The boy next to me actually cringed. Seriously, there is a lot wrong with this scenario. One, I donapos;t think he should have been asking me those questions to begin with. Two, if you are really in tune with your students, you should intuitively know that they are Obviously getting something out of the class or they wouldnapos;t keep coming back. Three, you most likely wouldnapos;t jump on the negativity bandwagon. When I told him I didnapos;t notice a difference, I most certainly wasnapos;t insulting him. Iapos;ve been practicing kundalini pretty consistently for three years or so now, and I studied it many years before that. Taking a month or two off here and there isnapos;t going to impact me that much. I donapos;t have any bad habits. Iapos;m probably the healthiest person I know. I lead a fairly stress free and consciously aware lifestyle. When I told him I didnapos;t notice a difference, I thought he would come to these conclusions--not that I donapos;t get Anything out his classes and that Iapos;m a fucking clueless space cadet. The fact that this exchange happened in front of people upset me too. So, Iapos;m going to find a new class. I will finish out this series--five more weeks because I am taking care of attendance and finances for him. Then Iapos;m moving on. I need to find a teacher who is a bit more in tune with me than that. Seriously, I left the class feeling foolish. No yoga teacher should make his/her students feel like that. Thatapos;s not what itapos;s about for me. BUT I took it as a sign that I need to move on, that there is something better out there for me. A new teacher is in town. Sheapos;s something else, he told us when he announced her arrival. I found a flier for her in town a few days ago. She does a lot of workshops. Something new.
Last night April and Alison made up at the Wubakia show. Then they tried to talk me out of spending my birthday in Monterey. Sorry, I donapos;t let other people dictate my life. Rob and I are going to spend the day in Monterey--the aquarium, cannery row, that great little restaurant that juts out into the bay. I thought they would want to come along. But instead they actually tried to talk me out of it, they wanted to plan something for me. Silly girls. They were drunk. You only turn thirty once, they told me. Yes and that is why Iapos;m going to spend the day in Monterey with my love, I said.
I applied for a job at Bookshop Santa Cruz and the "pre-interview" when really well. But I feel incredibly ambivalent about it. I should focus on getting it because I really need to have a steady income. But I also really want to go to Esalen around Halloween which is during the mandatory training period if I do get hired. I can go to Esalen anytime I suppose and this bookshop rarely hires. They want me to bring in a letter of recommendation from a former employer. Yikes. The Catalyst is a big no. Antique photo thinks Iapos;m taking a leave, that I plan on coming back. So, Iapos;m not sure what to do about that. Ok, I do. Iapos;m not going to go to the trouble of getting a letter of recommendation for an hourly paying job at a damn bookstore. They can call those places and talk to the management directly if they want to know about my customer service skills. I guess Iapos;m leaving it up to the universe to make that decision for me--if I get the job or not.
OH I met with my lawyer for the last time early in the week to sign the release of all claims form. Itapos;s thisclose to being over. But Iapos;m not going to consider it said and done until the check is in my hands.
I will end this post with a list of things I am grateful for lately:
the birthday card Amanda made me
sunshine
the writers chronicle
the smell of sage
Rob, more so than ever
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